The Cheshire Effect

It's a poetic way of saying "faces without bodies" or "floating smiles," and it's the official name of the hypothetical band I just formed. I play drums. Bongo drums. And occasionally a tambourine. I also hum. But I don't have a mic because even my humming is discordant. And we're not some post-melodic experimental nonband. Our genre is good music. And we are the tops, the freakin' tops, man. Check back for updates.

Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.

Area Boy Uses Box of Crayons to Retrieve Earring from Toilet

Platsburgh, VT -- When 6-year-old Toby Mushnik knocked his 13-year-old sister's earring into the toilet last Sunday evening, he knew he had to make a decision, the area boy told reporters yesterday. "I really, really hate germs, and my mom says that toilet water gives you H1N1 and then you die, but I really, really, really hate Indian burns, and my sister is super good at them," said Mushnik, who was wearing the earring when he went into the bathroom.

He had gotten his ears pierced last year—a birthday present from his Uncle Brody, who admits he was "totally [expletive] up" at the time.

After finishing his business at the toilet, young Mushnik reached over the put the toilet seat down, when inexplicably, and to the boy's horror, the earring came loose and fell into the toilet bowl.

Luckily, he had brought his box of 64-count pack of Crayola Crayons into the bathroom with him. He selected his least-favorite colors—"Asparagus," "Fuzzy Wuzzy," "Cerulean" and "Plum"—from the pack and, using dental floss from the medicine cabinet, linked the crayons together to form a makeshift rope. Holding both ends of the rope, he then lowered it into the toilet and manuevered until he succeeded in hooking the yellow plastic loop and lifting it out of the water.

"It took me a bazillion gazillion tries, but I didn't give up," Mushnik said, beaming with pride and self-satisfaction. When asked why he didn't simply reach his hand in to fish the earring out, he replied emphatically: "Gross!" and refused to answer any further questions.

His sister could not be reached for comment, as she was quite ill with what some sources are calling "a particularly nasty case of H1N1."

Notes from a Potential Consumer

For every time that Natalie Portman's voice interrupts my Pandora session to scream at Ashton Kutcher "Why can't we just have sex?!" I am approximately 12% less likely to go see No Strings Attached. Right now, that puts me at about a -348% chance of seeing the film.

On Experimental Music

Get back to me when you've got actual results.

Choose Your Own Professional Wrestling Name!

1. The Big Grapple
2. Cinder Hella
3. The Iron Fist
4. Bitch Slap
5. The REALLY Mad Hatter
6. Thunder Magic
7. The Rage Cage
8. Steak Face
9. Punchius Pilot
10. The Deadliest Snatch

Aside from naming it,

I think the second best part about forming a band would be categorizing it.

Like "pre-funk folk pop-core" (because post-everything has already been done). Or "melancholy disco beat punk."

Like Talking to a Brick Wall

Sometimes when I pray, it makes me angry that I don't believe in God.