Sealife Jargon

Pinnipeds. I came across this word while researching endangered species. It describes the Northern fur seal, and comes from the Latin words for feather (pinna) and foot (ped).

Dictionary.com gives this definition:

1. belonging to the Pinnipedia, a suborder of carnivores with limbs adapted to an aquatic life, including the seals and walruses.

Ah, the Pinnipedia! Try dropping THAT vocab gem into a conversation today. When confronted with the inevitable "Pinna-what?" don't give them the satisfaction of an answer. Instead, try raising your eyebrows and saying in an amused tone, "Really?" then, when they don't answer, look around to the others in the conversation and mouth the word "WOW." You can follow up with a dismissive "Any-waysss."

Let me know how it goes.

Expensive vocabularies.

Fuck you and your five dollar words, I got words Donald Trump couldn't afford.

But I'm saving them for someone special. Hmmph.

The Pains of Being (like) Plexiglas

I'd sort of like to be the kind of woman one might describe as delicate. But I'm afraid I'm rather sturdy and shatter-resistant. Like plexiglas. It's not so bad, though. At least I can take a hit.

Dear Michelle Obama:

Childhood obesity is not a privilege, it's a right.
A God-given, Constitutionally-implied, founding-fathers-approved RIGHT.
Same 's ignorance and hate-mongerin' and shootin' moose fer fun.
You un-American Communist.
Self-righteously yours,
The GOP

Splendor ME!

I just discovered that splendor can be used as a verb. Versatility, BAM!

Definitions from Dictionary.com

–verb (used with object)

to make splendid by decorating lavishly; adorn.

–verb (used without object)

to move or proceed with splendor, grandeur, or pomp.

Here's my suggestions on ways to integrate the splendor-verb into everyday conversation (you're welcome):

1. My new cubicle was super beige, so I splendored it with Justin Bieber pictures.

2. The crowd went wild as Steak Face splendored around the ring after executing his famous Porkchop Elbow Drop.

Excerpt from my life story

me to the mirror: Damn you! (it's mocking me.)

hatred is a hard habit to break
but it's ugly and appalling.
banishing it now.

me to my self-hatred habit: BANISHED! (I'm shaking my fist)

Just another paranoid monday

There was an old (presumably abandoned) car engulfed in flames on the southbound tri-state this morning. Cars heading north slowed to gape, but I thought we ought to speed up, because don't flaming cars usually explode? Luckily for me and my fellow morbidly fascinated drivers, this one didn't.

Another strange happening on this eerie Monday morning:

I sent a dozen or so pages of job tickets to the downstairs printer, in a conscious and noble effort to save colored ink. When I went down to retrieve them only minutes later, I found them in the recycling bin. I suspect the people in legal are plotting against me.

Proper Adjectives

Magnanimous is a good word, especially when used to describe oneself. Which I did this morning, but not before looking it up at Thesaurus.com to make sure I had the spelling correct (why not Dictionary.com, you ask? Nobody can say for sure). The first synonym listed was "Santa Claus."

See for yourself: http://thesaurus.com/browse/magnanimous

I don't know which I prefer:
Dear sir, Thank you for your magnanimous contribution ...
Dear sir, Thank you for your Santa Claus contribution...

Oh, I think the winner is clear.

FREE advice

Describing a band as "coed" makes it seem more saucy than, say "three dudes and a chick," which just sounds like a tasteless youtube video or a really bad romcom starring tom selleck.

Wisdom for Those Who Have Lately Parted Ways with an Ex

'Tis better to have loved and lost then to have loved and killed in a fit of PCP-induced rage, because murder of a free-loading ex with a muppet fetish, while ethically justified and a valuable service to society, is nonetheless illegal and usually leads to doing hard time in the clink."

Tuesday's Word of the Day!

Kerfuffle --n 1. commotion; disorder; agitation

USE IT to explain a perfectly understandable mistake:
Amidst the kerfuffle of the mosh pit, I somehow lost track of the kid I was babysitting.

New Word (and it's reusable)

Hermitization noun, the process of isolating oneself from society in order to elicit and confront uncomfortable or painful emotions for the sake of creative progress.

How to use vague nonsense to appear profound, Example #2

there will never be another tomorrow like yesterday's today. so live accordingly.

Mind your P's

Five of my favorite p-words, their meaning, and how to use it in a sentence. Educational!

PANACHE –noun A grand or flamboyant manner; verve; style; flair
Use it! to describe disappointing sex with an actor: Despite his panache on stage, he was really quite dull in the bedroom.

PANOPLY –noun A splendid and striking array

Use it! to make a hoarder's collection sound impressive: He was amazed by the panoply of Thomas Kinkade collector's plates he found in the kitchen.

PEDANTIC –adj 1. Ostentatious in one's learning; 2. Overly concerned with minute details or formalisms, esp. in teaching.
Use it! to keep it real: Just 'cause your participles don't dangle don't make you better than me, you pedantic jerk-off!

PREPOSTEROUS -adj Contrary to nature, reason, or common sense; absurd
Use it! to mask ignorance by assuming an air or superiority: Evolution? That's preposterous! Everybody knows science is just Satan's way of seducing young children into unholy habits like asking questions.

PURLOIN -verb -transitive To steal, often in a violation of trust
Use it! to channel your inner hipster: Yeah, man, the Handsome Furs were awesome, but if you ask me, Oberhofer really purloined the show! Oh, you've never heard of them? I'm not surprised.