Also disconcerting...

...is when you suddenly realize you're not chewing gum anymore and you don't remember spitting it out.

Friends don't let friends cause riots. Without good cause.

It's disconcerting when a friend ends a conversation with "Aliens are on their way," and then immediately signs off. At least explain WHO they're on their way to, you or me. Because I'd really rather save myself the embarrassment of causing another "alien attack! quick, everybody wrap yourself in aluminum foil! we're going to mars!" scene at work. It could cost me my job this time.

Warning: Body Language May Suddenly Become Awkward

I just had a conversation with a coworker in which I pointed to myself with my thumb. I was distracted for the rest of the conversation because all I could think about was how I just did that. I just did that. Yep. At least I didn't use both thumbs. Because THAT would have been embarrassing. But I do think I waggled my eyebrows, which is far less waggly and more raise-y than it sounds.

My First Paid Gig!

I performed at a LIVE comedy competition on Saturday night. The three best comics were awarded $25 Visa gift cards. Guess who was one of those winners? That's right....ME!

As I accepted my prize, I humbly thanked God, my talented acting staff, and my parents for supporting my dreams to become one of the three funniest people to perform in a church basement. Then I gave high fives to the other two comics who entered the contest.

Words' Worth

Thanks to my Groupon/comedy/music addiction(s), I find myself in the unfortunate position of needing to take on some extra work. Sadly, my talents are limited to the less-lucrative arenas of writing, being mildly amusing, and basic (read: obsolete) computer skills.

It's times like these I tell myself, I should've been an artist. Pretty pictures pay better than puns. And alliteration is free!

Should've gone with the "poke."

There was a really hot guy at the gym today, so I gave him a "thumbs up" to indicate that I "liked" him. But either he doesn't speak Facebook, or my friend request just got denied.

Next time, I'm gonna tag him. Guys like girls who show initiative, right?

The secrets of my mind, revealed!

My mom sent me one of those chain e-mails the other day, and I felt like maybe this time it would really work. So I tried it. It asked a series of 11 questions, and then at the end it told me what my answers meant.

It turns out, the song "Coin-Operated Boy" reveals a lot about my mind. (watch the video here)

Chinese horoscope magic!

Note: I failed to forward the e-mail to 10 people, so I am going to lose $10,000. Which would be more impressive than unfortunate, because I don't have $10,000.

Fun with Stickers and Cars

You know those stick figure decals people put on their car windows, to represent the unique characteristics of their families? I think a fun joke would be to put a stick figure lady on someone's car and then surround it with like seventeen or eighteen cats.



P.S. I just looked this up, and it would cost me about $53 dollars.

Letting It Out...Loud: The Soothing Delusions of Solitary Confinement

Letting It Out...Loud: The Soothing Delusions of Solitary Confinement: "I met a man who suffered fear
because he mistook his work for his worth
I shared with him some wisdom I'd found
admitting that I, too, w..."

Driving Lessons

Dear Nameless Driver,

When you are talking on your cell phone and ignoring a stop sign, please do not beep and gesture angrily at me for driving legally. It hurts my feelings. Also, I'm pretty sure it's not good for you, either. Let's be kind from now on.

Sincerely,
Another Nameless Driver

Seeking therapist for depressed lymph nodes

Groupn's offering half off lymphatic-drainage therapy, and I am horrified. And intrigued. And now my lymph nodes are starting to feel toxic. Damn you Groupon!

Dinner conversations with Dad*

My Dad (annoyed): I keep waking up in the middle of the night with songs stuck in my head.
Me: What kind of songs?
My Dad (incredulous): Last night, it was Lady Gaga.
Me: Oh my God, what did you do?
My Dad (distressed): I didn't know what to do!
Moments of quiet contemplation and sympathetic head shaking.

*Inspired by actual events. Some of the words and moods may or may not have been slightly embellished.