On Wednesday, I woke up with a "weird feeling" in my throat. By Thursday morning, my throat felt fine, but my skin hurt. Also, I couldn't stop sweating and having fever dreams about goo-guns and other surprisingly effective methods of inflicting violence upon my enemies.
It was all very terrible and gross and pathetic. But I managed to recover almost completely 72 hours. Many others have not been so fortunate. So I feel it is my duty to say this:
Other people who have the flu, listen to me! I have found the cure!
Drink 8 oz of Gatorade every hour for the first 48 hours. That's 384 fl oz. Don't question me.
Sleep at least 16 hours per day/night.
Spend the remaining 8 hours watching Freaks and Geeks, sitting in the shower, heating up Campbell's condensed soup, groaning, shivering, sweating, laying down in the hallway to rest on your way from the kitchen to the couch, imploring your cats to call an ambulance/avenge you, watching Eternal Sunshine and weeping because love is so hard, calling your boyfriend and tricking him into bringing you more Gatorade then peeing a little when you sneeze and then laughing maniacally while he looks away politely, and thinking mediocre Thai food is a good idea*.
After 48 hours, the sweating and shaking should be subsiding, and you will be ready to add frozen pizza** to your diet. And also, stand-up showering! Just don't lather too vigorously. Reduce Gatorade intake slightly. Incorporate water and hot tea. Continue groaning. It's important to always be dramatic when you are alone and sick.
At 60 hours, you're home free. Just sleep it off, homes. Take some Advil for the lingering sinus pain, and wait another 24 hours at least before operating heavy machinery. The fever has probably made you real dumb. Hopefully it won't last.
Godspeed. You're welcome.
*Don't actually order the Thai food. I'm telling you from experience, it's a bad choice. Even if the grub hub guy is super nice when you call to change your order without knowing what's on the menu. You're in no state to appreciate flavor. Stick to condensed soup and Gatorade. You know, American stuff.
**Cook first.
