Let's Get Domestic! Now with Recipes!

It's the New Year, which means time for new pursuits. Step Two: Bitch is getting domestic up in this piece! (Step One was - obviously - Be a gangsta!)

You see, dear reader, for as long as I can remember, I've prided myself on my lack of domestic skills. Or at least, I've adopted an attitude of pride in order to mask my ineptitude at cooking, cleaning, home decorating, and responsible pet ownership. It is an attitude that has served me well, much like growing an elaborately-styled mustache and smothering one's enthusiasm in irony has helped many a hipster escape the discomfort of vulnerability.

But, as a woman recently indoctrinated in the ways of 30-Something Sophisticates, standing as I am on the very brink of self-actualization, I have decided that this is the year in which I expose myself... as an embarrassingly amateur homemaker. So, it begins.

Confession #1: I have slow cooker recipes. Two of them. I will share them with you now, to show you that I'm for reals.

Thanksgiving Turkey Meat! 

1. Buy a frozen turkey breast from the store

2. Figure out how to get the wrapper off without getting frostbit fingers

3. Put the frozen meat in the slow cooker

4. Add a can of cranberry sauce (sans can) and a packet of Italian salad dressing mix

5. Set to low and wait 6-8 hours. Maybe do something domestic to pass the time, like knit a scarf.

Hawaiian Pork Meat! 

1. Buy a big lump of pork roast meat

2. Stab it all over with a fork

3. Put liquid smoke and sea salt on it

4. Rub it in! Or lightly dab at it with a napkin, if you're a Puritan.

5. Set to low and wait 6-8 hours

That's it! Try them now, please, and tell me how it went.

P.S. The cookbook will be coming out soon. I've entitled it, "Making Food To Eat!" and it contains all two of my slow cooker recipes, plus classic favorites like "Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich," "Two Kinds of Cereal in One Bowl!" and "Anything Microwavable from Trader Joe's!"