At work, we nickname our files according to an ID number (boring! predictable!) and the product itself, which is so fun and interesting (in comparison). Especially when I come across an old file titled "Glass Hummers" or "Coke Train."
TRUE STORY.
Dec 21, 2011
Tired of Women Hitting on You, Men? Try This Simple Trick!
I can't think of a single time when I've seen a man who's left the top 3 or 4 buttons of his shirt undone, revealing his bare man-chest, and thought to myself, "Man, I would really like to get to know that guy. He seems really interesting and awesome."
But that could just be because I'm old-fashioned and think that a sexy v-neck is more of a lady thing.
But that could just be because I'm old-fashioned and think that a sexy v-neck is more of a lady thing.
Dec 19, 2011
Problem-Solving in Oz: A Philosophy for the Insecure
Lately, I've been experiencing some insecurity. That makes me feel angry!
The voice of reason tells me I need to temper my ambition with humility. But my all-powerful, fear-based ego demands constant recognition and praise for its greatness. It seeks these things because it is afraid you will look behind the curtain and see that it is really nothing more than a balding, older gentlemen with outdated special effects and a penchant for issuing grandiose commands to talking lions and metal people.
I wonder if he has anything in that bag for a little girl who just wants to get back home to her family and find her life's purpose and fulfill her destiny free from doubt and insecurity. Probably not, but a giant pocket watch will make an excellent consolation prize.
The voice of reason tells me I need to temper my ambition with humility. But my all-powerful, fear-based ego demands constant recognition and praise for its greatness. It seeks these things because it is afraid you will look behind the curtain and see that it is really nothing more than a balding, older gentlemen with outdated special effects and a penchant for issuing grandiose commands to talking lions and metal people.
I wonder if he has anything in that bag for a little girl who just wants to get back home to her family and find her life's purpose and fulfill her destiny free from doubt and insecurity. Probably not, but a giant pocket watch will make an excellent consolation prize.
Secrets secrets are no fun, unless you're paying
Occasionally I go to the gym on my lunch hour, and because America needs television to distract it from the horror and pain of exercise, there are approximately a hundred and twelve screens showing the best midday programming this country has to offer.
I do my best to avoid watching, because it makes me feel sad and scared to see talk shows and the news, and well, because of what I saw when I glanced up at the screen above the crazy stair machine I was dancing on (what?). It was a non-Maury talk show, and the topic was "I Need to Prove to My Boyfriend that I'm Not a Secret Prostitute."
How does one prove that?! If I had the stamina, I'd have found out, but unfortunately, I ran out of dance moves and it was time to go back to work. And alas, now I can't stop wondering if my boyfriend might secretly be a prostitute.
I do my best to avoid watching, because it makes me feel sad and scared to see talk shows and the news, and well, because of what I saw when I glanced up at the screen above the crazy stair machine I was dancing on (what?). It was a non-Maury talk show, and the topic was "I Need to Prove to My Boyfriend that I'm Not a Secret Prostitute."
How does one prove that?! If I had the stamina, I'd have found out, but unfortunately, I ran out of dance moves and it was time to go back to work. And alas, now I can't stop wondering if my boyfriend might secretly be a prostitute.
Dec 15, 2011
Soulless Encounters!
I got a call this morning from an unknown number with a familiar area code, so I took a gamble and answered. A very enthusiastic man-bot greeted me, and informed me that he was calling regarding a survey I'd recently filled out. As I was trying to figure out whether the voice on the other end was a robot or an actual man who'd had the soul sucked out of him and replaced with sales tactics, he(?) explained that I could be the winner of several $25 gift cards to Walmart, Target....tuning out, tuning out, robot or man? tuning out....and, then he delivered the kicker: "Now doesn't that sound neat?"
I was stunned for a moment. This strange entity had combined the seemingly incongruous elements of mechanical speech and genuine childlike curiosity so impressively, I almost answered "yes, it sure does, old boy! tell me more!" But then I remembered about reality, and I told him to take me off his list. The lack of disappointment in his voice as he apologized for inconveniencing me was, well, disappointing. I thought we had something, old sales-bot and I. But it was all a facade. Dammit.
I was stunned for a moment. This strange entity had combined the seemingly incongruous elements of mechanical speech and genuine childlike curiosity so impressively, I almost answered "yes, it sure does, old boy! tell me more!" But then I remembered about reality, and I told him to take me off his list. The lack of disappointment in his voice as he apologized for inconveniencing me was, well, disappointing. I thought we had something, old sales-bot and I. But it was all a facade. Dammit.
Dec 8, 2011
How to Transform Pain into Pleasant State of Mind: Lessons from an Experienced Avoider
Whenever something happens to make you sad, it is very important to blame someone. That way, you'll have the freedom to wallow in your pain without the burden of taking responsibility for it. Then, if you're ready to take it to the next level, tell people about what happened so they can feel sorry for you, and that will instantly make you feel important and loved. By this time, you will notice that the pain has started to be replaced by self-righteousness, which is a much more pleasant emotion.
Good luck! And you're welcome.
Good luck! And you're welcome.
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