More about faith, blah blah blah, thanks for listening.

Yesterday evening, while listening to an atheist describe his worldview as comfortable, I realized that I don't believe in anything supernatural. I believe in the human spirit. A clarification: I seek to believe in the human spirit. That is precisely my struggle in faith.

Can I call this a "higher" power? Absolutely. Because the basis for my comparison, the "me" and "I" that is lower than "God," is not me, per se, but rather one of the negative functions of my entire being. I sometimes call it ego, sometimes mind, or simply fear or ignorance. And just as much as these negative functions are a part of me, so are the "higher" functions such as strength, courage, and compassion, which are sometimes called divine, God, truth, etc.

I guess the whole point is, I, like the atheist who prompted these musings, strive too much to understand what is meant by the word God. Essentially, the struggle is to simply believe. In anything that is positive and fosters courageous action and inspires us to connect more with our fellows and create instead of destroy.

I have been struggling to believe. I have been choosing to let the voices of fear convince me that I am inadequate, incapable and incompetent. This manifests itself in my career, in my creative pursuits, and in my relationships. I become impatient with others' shortcomings because I believe that my own shortcomings make me unworthy of love. I resent my professional work because I believe I am not of any real value in my job, because I fear being mired in mediocrity, and it is more convenient to blame my situation and higher-ups than to strive to improve myself professionally, and it is easier to believe I am incompetent than to take ownership of my work and risk criticism. I'm afraid to set and pursue goals as a creative writer, because I might fail. I'm afraid to accept my shortcomings in all aspect of my life, because deep down, I don't believe I can change them.

But Faith, or God, or whatever you choose to call it, says otherwise. Faith knows my fate is not predetermined or immutable. Faith knows that the human spirit is capable of overcoming any challenge, of developing its character toward growth and expansion and actualizing its potential. And it is ONLY through faith that I will ever change my perspective...which is the ONLY thing holding me back.

So the struggle continues, and that is just fine. I'm just glad you're here to listen, my silent and invisible audience. Cheers.