Conversation overheard from my cubicle. David is describing the instinctive reaction of a parent to his sick kid "spewing" mucus in the middle of the night. I've spared the least-savory details, as a gesture of consideration.
David: What would you have done? Let the kid spew all over the bed --
Duggles:Absolutely.
David: --and change the sheets at 4 o'clock in the morning? I don't think so.
Duggles: So naturally, you offered your hands.
David: Naturally. (pause for dramatic effect) And this happened FOUR times!
Me, interjecting from the neighboring row of cubicles: How does that happen four times? Then, anticipating a literal, descriptive response from David: I mean, you couldn't have given him a bucket?
David, considering the question as if for the first time: Well...I mean, the bathroom was only a few feet away (as if this explains anything).
Duggles, seeing my bafflement and loyally coming to the rescue of his friend's pride: A good parent doesn't give their kid a bucket. A good parent uses his bare hands.
Me: Oh. I definitely got a bucket.
Duggles: That explains a lot. Mine just wrapped a towel around my mouth.
Chorus: Mmph.
Jan 31, 2011
Jan 30, 2011
The Sweet Dreams of Rudy Tushane, Part One
Rudy Tushane is a 54-year-old janitor who just got laid off from the suburban elementary school where he'd worked for the past 23 years. Tall, lanky, gray-haired with a scraggy beard and angular facial features, he lives alone in the suburbs. Temporarily employed in the shipping and receiving department of Menards, he harbors a secret passion for baking and cupcake decorating.
Over the course of the past 25 years (when his first and only wife Mandy Loo divorced him after only six months of marriage, citing his unwillingness to reconcile differences as the grounds, but that's a story for another time), Rudy has devoted the majority of his free time to perfecting his recipe for Better Off Without Loo Cupcakes. A flavor explosion of chocolate and raspberry with just a hint, a mere suggestion, of heat, the recipe is the chef-d'oeuvre of his bachelorhood. Or, as he put it in his diary one triumphant night, the "best darn cupcake since Jesus' time."
Now, finally ready to unveil his masterpiece to the world, he's entered the third annual Cupcakes of Steel Bake-Off, an Iron Chef-style competition held every year in Columbus. The winner gets a guest spot on Up and Adam, the city's morning news show, broadcast across the state, including Beansworth, where his ex-wife lives. Vindication would be the word to describe what Rudy is imagining when he visualizes himself winning the competition. What he actually thinks to himself is something more along the lines of "That'll teach her, walkin' out on the best thing that ever happened to her, just cause I didn't wanna share my bed for sleepin. Man's gotta right to his own sleepin quarters, after all. Psshh. But she'll see her mistake soon enough, yessir...."
To be continued.
Jan 28, 2011
Jan 26, 2011
The last ten minutes of thought.
Stress-ache.
overpowering vanity.
strangers' conversations are difficult to recreate.
Beige Oppression
advertising is just a nice word for lying.
the answers are late arriving
i am the only god i've ever trusted
attack of the vagaries
it's never not now. it's always now. joy is indestructible.
this is the opposite of esoteric.
overpowering vanity.
strangers' conversations are difficult to recreate.
Beige Oppression
advertising is just a nice word for lying.
the answers are late arriving
i am the only god i've ever trusted
attack of the vagaries
it's never not now. it's always now. joy is indestructible.
this is the opposite of esoteric.
Jan 25, 2011
The Cheshire Effect
It's a poetic way of saying "faces without bodies" or "floating smiles," and it's the official name of the hypothetical band I just formed. I play drums. Bongo drums. And occasionally a tambourine. I also hum. But I don't have a mic because even my humming is discordant. And we're not some post-melodic experimental nonband. Our genre is good music. And we are the tops, the freakin' tops, man. Check back for updates.
Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.
Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.
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