Conversation overheard from my cubicle. David is describing the instinctive reaction of a parent to his sick kid "spewing" mucus in the middle of the night. I've spared the least-savory details, as a gesture of consideration.
David: What would you have done? Let the kid spew all over the bed --
Duggles:Absolutely.
David: --and change the sheets at 4 o'clock in the morning? I don't think so.
Duggles: So naturally, you offered your hands.
David: Naturally. (pause for dramatic effect) And this happened FOUR times!
Me, interjecting from the neighboring row of cubicles: How does that happen four times? Then, anticipating a literal, descriptive response from David: I mean, you couldn't have given him a bucket?
David, considering the question as if for the first time: Well...I mean, the bathroom was only a few feet away (as if this explains anything).
Duggles, seeing my bafflement and loyally coming to the rescue of his friend's pride: A good parent doesn't give their kid a bucket. A good parent uses his bare hands.
Me: Oh. I definitely got a bucket.
Duggles: That explains a lot. Mine just wrapped a towel around my mouth.
Chorus: Mmph.
Jan 31, 2011
Jan 30, 2011
The Sweet Dreams of Rudy Tushane, Part One
Rudy Tushane is a 54-year-old janitor who just got laid off from the suburban elementary school where he'd worked for the past 23 years. Tall, lanky, gray-haired with a scraggy beard and angular facial features, he lives alone in the suburbs. Temporarily employed in the shipping and receiving department of Menards, he harbors a secret passion for baking and cupcake decorating.
Over the course of the past 25 years (when his first and only wife Mandy Loo divorced him after only six months of marriage, citing his unwillingness to reconcile differences as the grounds, but that's a story for another time), Rudy has devoted the majority of his free time to perfecting his recipe for Better Off Without Loo Cupcakes. A flavor explosion of chocolate and raspberry with just a hint, a mere suggestion, of heat, the recipe is the chef-d'oeuvre of his bachelorhood. Or, as he put it in his diary one triumphant night, the "best darn cupcake since Jesus' time."
Now, finally ready to unveil his masterpiece to the world, he's entered the third annual Cupcakes of Steel Bake-Off, an Iron Chef-style competition held every year in Columbus. The winner gets a guest spot on Up and Adam, the city's morning news show, broadcast across the state, including Beansworth, where his ex-wife lives. Vindication would be the word to describe what Rudy is imagining when he visualizes himself winning the competition. What he actually thinks to himself is something more along the lines of "That'll teach her, walkin' out on the best thing that ever happened to her, just cause I didn't wanna share my bed for sleepin. Man's gotta right to his own sleepin quarters, after all. Psshh. But she'll see her mistake soon enough, yessir...."
To be continued.
Jan 28, 2011
Jan 26, 2011
The last ten minutes of thought.
Stress-ache.
overpowering vanity.
strangers' conversations are difficult to recreate.
Beige Oppression
advertising is just a nice word for lying.
the answers are late arriving
i am the only god i've ever trusted
attack of the vagaries
it's never not now. it's always now. joy is indestructible.
this is the opposite of esoteric.
overpowering vanity.
strangers' conversations are difficult to recreate.
Beige Oppression
advertising is just a nice word for lying.
the answers are late arriving
i am the only god i've ever trusted
attack of the vagaries
it's never not now. it's always now. joy is indestructible.
this is the opposite of esoteric.
Jan 25, 2011
The Cheshire Effect
It's a poetic way of saying "faces without bodies" or "floating smiles," and it's the official name of the hypothetical band I just formed. I play drums. Bongo drums. And occasionally a tambourine. I also hum. But I don't have a mic because even my humming is discordant. And we're not some post-melodic experimental nonband. Our genre is good music. And we are the tops, the freakin' tops, man. Check back for updates.
Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.
Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.
Jan 19, 2011
Area Boy Uses Box of Crayons to Retrieve Earring from Toilet
Platsburgh, VT -- When 6-year-old Toby Mushnik knocked his 13-year-old sister's earring into the toilet last Sunday evening, he knew he had to make a decision, the area boy told reporters yesterday. "I really, really hate germs, and my mom says that toilet water gives you H1N1 and then you die, but I really, really, really hate Indian burns, and my sister is super good at them," said Mushnik, who was wearing the earring when he went into the bathroom.
He had gotten his ears pierced last year—a birthday present from his Uncle Brody, who admits he was "totally [expletive] up" at the time.
After finishing his business at the toilet, young Mushnik reached over the put the toilet seat down, when inexplicably, and to the boy's horror, the earring came loose and fell into the toilet bowl.
Luckily, he had brought his box of 64-count pack of Crayola Crayons into the bathroom with him. He selected his least-favorite colors—"Asparagus," "Fuzzy Wuzzy," "Cerulean" and "Plum"—from the pack and, using dental floss from the medicine cabinet, linked the crayons together to form a makeshift rope. Holding both ends of the rope, he then lowered it into the toilet and manuevered until he succeeded in hooking the yellow plastic loop and lifting it out of the water.
"It took me a bazillion gazillion tries, but I didn't give up," Mushnik said, beaming with pride and self-satisfaction. When asked why he didn't simply reach his hand in to fish the earring out, he replied emphatically: "Gross!" and refused to answer any further questions.
His sister could not be reached for comment, as she was quite ill with what some sources are calling "a particularly nasty case of H1N1."
He had gotten his ears pierced last year—a birthday present from his Uncle Brody, who admits he was "totally [expletive] up" at the time.
After finishing his business at the toilet, young Mushnik reached over the put the toilet seat down, when inexplicably, and to the boy's horror, the earring came loose and fell into the toilet bowl.
Luckily, he had brought his box of 64-count pack of Crayola Crayons into the bathroom with him. He selected his least-favorite colors—"Asparagus," "Fuzzy Wuzzy," "Cerulean" and "Plum"—from the pack and, using dental floss from the medicine cabinet, linked the crayons together to form a makeshift rope. Holding both ends of the rope, he then lowered it into the toilet and manuevered until he succeeded in hooking the yellow plastic loop and lifting it out of the water.
"It took me a bazillion gazillion tries, but I didn't give up," Mushnik said, beaming with pride and self-satisfaction. When asked why he didn't simply reach his hand in to fish the earring out, he replied emphatically: "Gross!" and refused to answer any further questions.
His sister could not be reached for comment, as she was quite ill with what some sources are calling "a particularly nasty case of H1N1."
Jan 14, 2011
Notes from a Potential Consumer
For every time that Natalie Portman's voice interrupts my Pandora session to scream at Ashton Kutcher "Why can't we just have sex?!" I am approximately 12% less likely to go see No Strings Attached. Right now, that puts me at about a -348% chance of seeing the film.
Jan 12, 2011
Choose Your Own Professional Wrestling Name!
1. The Big Grapple
2. Cinder Hella
3. The Iron Fist
4. Bitch Slap
5. The REALLY Mad Hatter
6. Thunder Magic
7. The Rage Cage
8. Steak Face
9. Punchius Pilot
10. The Deadliest Snatch
2. Cinder Hella
3. The Iron Fist
4. Bitch Slap
5. The REALLY Mad Hatter
6. Thunder Magic
7. The Rage Cage
8. Steak Face
9. Punchius Pilot
10. The Deadliest Snatch
Jan 5, 2011
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