That did not just happen!

I just went to use the bathroom at work, and I sneezed, and a woman said "God Bless You!" from another stall.

Bathroom etiquette is tricky, but I think it's perfectly acceptable—preferable, even—to deny the existence of anyone else who happens to be in the bathroom with you. Just pretend none of this is really happening, I say.

Which is actually a pretty useful philosophy even beyond the arena of public restrooms.

Vanity is a Commodity

I turned on the radio this morning to get the weather, and what I got instead was plastic surgery propaganda. Apparently, there is a hot new trend in negative self-image that is sweeping the nation. And just in time for summer, season of short skirts and bathing suits and a nagging sense of inadequacy among American females over the age of 9.

"Kneenkles" Meaning knee wrinkles. An (evidently) devastating phenomenon that can only be treated with surgery. Knee lifts are the new Botox. For those of us who can't afford to go under the knife, we're left with no choice but to cover our horribly disfigured bodies with long skirts and pants. Lest we reveal our humanity.

We live in a culture in which capitalism trumps ethical integrity. In which people will defend the sanctity of marriage by condemning homosexuals, defend the sanctity of life by harassing desperate women going to and from clinics, and yet have no respect -- not even hypocritical respect -- for the spiritual quality of human life.

Do we really need more reasons to hate ourselves? If it sells more wrinkle cream or lines the pockets of more plastic surgeons, then damn right we do. Self-loathing sells. And isn't that what really matters?

Well, that, and physical perfection.

Aspirations

I've been doing some serious soul-searching, and I've decided to pursue a career in hunting/gathering.

To stand outside the ordinary self

Why are you just standing there?! Don't you feel that? Pulling at you, pounding in your chest, shooting through you like lightning? Forget you're surrounded by hordes of people. Now is not the time for vanity or pride. Now is the time for oblivion.

Don't just stand there. Dance! Dance like everyone's watching and you don't give a shit. Dance like it's your right. Dance like you know something they don't. Because you do. Dance!

It's ecstasy.

I've done it again.

I went to get Thai Crazy Noodles for lunch, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. It was then it struck me. I had worn one pink flirty earring and one gray bird earring!!!

Humiliated and disgraced, I've deemed myself unfit for human interaction. I am writing this now from the back seat of my car, where I've assumed the fetal position and vowed to stay until (if) the universe chooses forgives me. Or until 5, when I'll just drive home.

This one's for you, Mom.

As a pagan (read: heathen), I would prefer to spend this upcoming Sunday reveling in sin (read: sloth). But as the daughter who understands all too well the subtleties of her mother's speech, and the futility of resistance, I'll celebrate Easter with my family, like a proper (albeit recovering) Catholic. But only because I love my mother. And thoroughly enjoy spending time with my family. And because Jesus seemed like a good guy, and I think it's really great that he conquered death. That's neat. I bet he wouldn't even mind that I'm a heathen. He'd probably just condescend to me, or pity me, and that wouldn't bother me too much because I kind of expect that from religious people. It's actually nice when people care about my eternal damnation. Someone should, I guess, cause I'm not too worried about it. I figure, J-town's probably got my back.

Only one month left! Get pumped!

To my faithful readership:

I took this photo in Hollywood 55 days before May 21, 2011 (you do the math, it's against my religion to count). I am sharing it with you now because I firmly believe this guy would want you to know.

Also, you can't see it in this photo, but in the background there are banners advertising a show called God of Carnage. There isn't a chance in hell that this is a coincidence. Pun intended. And nailed.

Enjoy your final days. See you on the other side.

Sincerely, ME

This is really happening.

There is a man on stilts outside of my cubicle. How does one deal with such a threat to one's sanity and sense of well-being? Denial. Pretend he's not there. This isn't really happening. I've clearly been roofied and am hallucinating.

I also got an e-mail inquiring about a #002 NA Flying Maiden. This might be code, which makes me think there's something they're not telling me.

The workplace is a breeding ground for paranoia and delusions.

Don't take no shit

"Believing in people, believing in some rich unknown something and drawing it out-that is the vigorous spirit of education."

And yet, in contemporary American culture, the purpose of education is to extract not "some rich unknown something," but rather earning potential -- not that which will enrich the spirit of the human community, but that which will profit the insatiable material desires of our nation.

In such an environment, the potential of the individual is measured quantitatively, our worth reduced to a number. It is as much the fault of the educational system as those of us who perpetuate false ideals by submitting to them. I aim to fight. I aim to believe in people.

Regret

I try not to think of them as "mistakes," but more like opportunities to engage in melodramatic self-reproach.

Learning is sooooo fun.

Springtime in Chicago

40 degrees and raining. Because sunshine is for pussies.

An aside: For those who find that word offensive, please feel free to substitute "lily livers," which is evidently a synonym for wimp. I looked it up because I didn't want to alienate any of my 6 loyal fans by using only vulgar words without providing alternatives.

Facebook Etiquette 101

Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated at other people's lack of commitment to the integrity of Facebook posting. Social media is not a venue for cataloging the daily minutiae of one's life. Nor is over-generalized passive aggression, excessive quoting of song lyrics (especially without proper citation or punctuation), or extreme positivity and exuberance not tempered by at least occasional violent outbursts or fits of despair, appreciated.

All I ask is this: If you don't have anything wildly entertaining, deeply thought-provoking, uproarious, educational, or at least intriguing, to share, don't share anything at all. Or I'll unfriend you faster than you can type "FML."

Love and emoticons,
ME

Sometimes I'm serious!

"The greatest resource that humankind has is to be found within human life itself. This treasure can be endlessly mined and developed. To believe in and encourage youth, bringing out their wisdom and strength, this is the challenge and purpose of education." Daisaku Ikeda

I think this is the challenge and purpose of life, as well. I want to devote myself to this endeavor: to believe in and encourage humanity. To demonstrate gratitude for the gifts I've been given by using them to encourage and empower others. To help them both see their own potential and discover within themselves the strength and courage to fulfill it, so that they might realize truth, beauty and fullness. And I will thereby be doing the same for myself (oh, the illusion of altruism!), for such is a life of meaning, of purpose.

This is what compels me to strike out on the path that has perhaps always been there, laid out for me, but which I have been too timid, too lacking in faith, to acknowledge as my own. What a long, strange trip it's been...and it is my greatest hope that the road ahead will lead to even stranger things. I want to be astonished, enraptured, baffled and exasperated, by the sheer mystery of what it means to be human and alive. I want to exhaust myself...before I leave this place, as we all do in the end.

See what you're missing?

I did a workout dvd this morning that was so intense! Then I collapsed on the floor and my cats came and sat on me. I think they thought I was dead and they were in mourning. It was a touching family moment. I wish you could have been there.

Get poetic! A metaphor.

A flat screen with rabbit ears.

Meaning: Impressive form belying vacuous content and shoddy quality; a poser.

Use it: With his lumberjack beard, plastic-rimmed glasses and skinny jeans, Conor looked like a genuine hipster. But his exceptionally bad taste in music and secret Starbucks habit proved him to be just a flat screen with rabbit ears.

How to Sell a Car in 3 Words or Less.

Drove past a car dealership this afternoon. All of the cars facing the street had advertisements written on the windshield: Like New! Great Deal! and my personal favorite, Cool to Drive! That one was on a Hummer. I'm sold.

Interesting Proposal

Dear Ezra Furman,

Marry Me. But only if you're open to polygamy. Because I already have a wife, and because one day I hope to marry a man I actually know.

Think about it.

Potentially partially yours,

Me

Served!

I finally got the chance to address my long-harbored grievance against XSport Fitness this morning, and the best part is, it was solicited! Here's the gist:

Ring ring. Not a recognized number. I'm wary.
Me (warily): Hello?
XSport Lady: Is this Kelly?
Me (suspiciously): Yes.
Xsport Lady: I'm a lady representing XSport. Can you answer two questions?
Me (seeing an opportunity, delighted): Yes I can.
XSport Lady: Oh terrific, that's very generous of you (she clearly hears "no" a lot). Okay, the first question is, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being not at all likely, and 10 being very likely, how likely are you to refer a friend to Xsport.
Me (victoriously): Zero!
Xsport: Wow, zero! That is not a positive response! Okay, well the second question is, why did you respond the way you did?
Me (happy to explain): Because I don't appreciate being manipulated into signing a contract under misleading terms.
XSport: Hmm, okay, I'm writing "she didn't appreciate being ..." misled, was it?
Me (helpful): Yes, and manipulated. m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-e-d
XSport: Got it. Well, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience, would you like someone from the business office to get in touch with you?
Me (disdain): Oh God no. I'm done!
XSport Lady: Ok, I'm writing "she's done." Great, now is there anything else you'd like to add?
Me (pleasantly): Nope.
XSport Lady: Well, thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Kelly.
Me (graciously): Oh no, thank YOU.

I sure showed that faceless corporation what's up!

Sounds FUN.

Foster the People | Lincoln Hall | June 12

I'm in. Go here:

http://lincolnhallchicago.com/Shows/06-12-2011+Foster+the+People

Taking the day off

I really appreciate when someone places unrealistic expectations on me. It's a nice break from doing it myself.

Just a typical day at the office

There is a giant inflatable Reindeer wagging its head in the lobby. Next to a less giant, but equally inflated, snowman reclining on the floor in a faintly provocative manner.

Socially awkward

I'm beginning to think that my passionate outbursts and ready tears make people uncomfortable. Go figure. But even so, I remain unapologetic. Discomfort builds character. So really, I'm doing society a favor by dramatizing my emotional experiences in public.

The allure of false idols

The quick fix is a fleeting illusion to a problem that requires a permanent solution. But it sure looks tempting, and innocent, too. Crafty!

On muffin tops

I've said it before and I'll say it again. They're everybody's favorite part of the muffin. Isn't it time we just embraced that fact?

My motto for today.

Pursue happiness ruthlessly.