Secrets secrets are no fun, unless you're paying

Occasionally I go to the gym on my lunch hour, and because America needs television to distract it from the horror and pain of exercise, there are approximately a hundred and twelve screens showing the best midday programming this country has to offer.

I do my best to avoid watching, because it makes me feel sad and scared to see talk shows and the news, and well, because of what I saw when I glanced up at the screen above the crazy stair machine I was dancing on (what?). It was a non-Maury talk show, and the topic was "I Need to Prove to My Boyfriend that I'm Not a Secret Prostitute."

How does one prove that?! If I had the stamina, I'd have found out, but unfortunately, I ran out of dance moves and it was time to go back to work. And alas, now I can't stop wondering if my boyfriend might secretly be a prostitute.

Soulless Encounters!

I got a call this morning from an unknown number with a familiar area code, so I took a gamble and answered. A very enthusiastic man-bot greeted me, and informed me that he was calling regarding a survey I'd recently filled out. As I was trying to figure out whether the voice on the other end was a robot or an actual man who'd had the soul sucked out of him and replaced with sales tactics, he(?) explained that I could be the winner of several $25 gift cards to Walmart, Target....tuning out, tuning out, robot or man? tuning out....and, then he delivered the kicker: "Now doesn't that sound neat?"

I was stunned for a moment. This strange entity had combined the seemingly incongruous elements of mechanical speech and genuine childlike curiosity so impressively, I almost answered "yes, it sure does, old boy! tell me more!" But then I remembered about reality, and I told him to take me off his list. The lack of disappointment in his voice as he apologized for inconveniencing me was, well, disappointing. I thought we had something, old sales-bot and I. But it was all a facade. Dammit.

How to Transform Pain into Pleasant State of Mind: Lessons from an Experienced Avoider

Whenever something happens to make you sad, it is very important to blame someone. That way, you'll have the freedom to wallow in your pain without the burden of taking responsibility for it. Then, if you're ready to take it to the next level, tell people about what happened so they can feel sorry for you, and that will instantly make you feel important and loved. By this time, you will notice that the pain has started to be replaced by self-righteousness, which is a much more pleasant emotion.

Good luck! And you're welcome.

I AM THE WALRUS! and other evidence of insanity

 John Lennon has been quoted* as saying

"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."  

I'd like to support that argument with another quote, this one from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now:

"The mind unconsciously loves problems, because they give you an identity of sorts. This is normal, and it is insane."

Ergo... insanity is normal, and it's an epidemic. There's no escaping the madness, it's everywhere. Enlightenment is the only way. Be sane, choose peace. Be abnormal, choose love.

*I found this quote at  http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/john_lennon_2.html#ixzz1dzz2W6cR, and I hope that's okay with all parties involved. Nothing is legal, I suspect.

The Over-Occupation Problem

Can someone please explain to me what the Occupiers are trying to accomplish by standing around shouting their grievances?


I came up with some new slogans I thought would better express their objectives.* They will probably offend you, especially if you think you are part of the 99%, but I am the 101%... so I can do whatever I want.

Occupation: Just Another Word for Finger-Pointing
Don't Just Occupy, Do Something!
Stop the Occupation! Find a Solution!
Too Busy Occupying to Define Our Goals.

Yes We Can ... Blame You!
We're Angry! Grrrr!
99% Angry, 1% Constructive
Preoccupy...what hipsters were doing before occupying was cool

Man, all this slogan talk makes me want to protest something. I'm gonna go occupy Facebook for a while. Cheers and vague shouts of discontent!

*and lack thereof

I'm sure you can relate.

It's just one of those days, when I can't stop thinking about bacon and learning to play the ukelele.

Seeking validation.

It's days like these that I need to remember not all my friends use Facebook.