Things That Make Me Suspect This Collectbles Biz Is Just a Front

At work, we nickname our files according to an ID number (boring! predictable!) and the product itself, which is so fun and interesting (in comparison). Especially when I come across an old file titled "Glass Hummers" or "Coke Train."

TRUE STORY. 

Tired of Women Hitting on You, Men? Try This Simple Trick!

I can't think of a single time when I've seen a man who's left the top 3 or 4 buttons of his shirt undone, revealing his bare man-chest, and thought to myself, "Man, I would really like to get to know that guy. He seems really interesting and awesome."

But that could just be because I'm old-fashioned and think that a sexy v-neck is more of a lady thing. 

Problem-Solving in Oz: A Philosophy for the Insecure

Lately, I've been experiencing some insecurity. That makes me feel angry!

The voice of reason tells me I need to temper my ambition with humility. But my all-powerful, fear-based ego demands constant recognition and praise for its greatness. It seeks these things because it is afraid you will look behind the curtain and see that it is really nothing more than a balding, older gentlemen with outdated special effects and a penchant for issuing grandiose commands to talking lions and metal people.

I wonder if he has anything in that bag for a little girl who just wants to get back home to her family and find her life's purpose and fulfill her destiny free from doubt and insecurity. Probably not, but a giant pocket watch will make an excellent consolation prize.

Secrets secrets are no fun, unless you're paying

Occasionally I go to the gym on my lunch hour, and because America needs television to distract it from the horror and pain of exercise, there are approximately a hundred and twelve screens showing the best midday programming this country has to offer.

I do my best to avoid watching, because it makes me feel sad and scared to see talk shows and the news, and well, because of what I saw when I glanced up at the screen above the crazy stair machine I was dancing on (what?). It was a non-Maury talk show, and the topic was "I Need to Prove to My Boyfriend that I'm Not a Secret Prostitute."

How does one prove that?! If I had the stamina, I'd have found out, but unfortunately, I ran out of dance moves and it was time to go back to work. And alas, now I can't stop wondering if my boyfriend might secretly be a prostitute.

Soulless Encounters!

I got a call this morning from an unknown number with a familiar area code, so I took a gamble and answered. A very enthusiastic man-bot greeted me, and informed me that he was calling regarding a survey I'd recently filled out. As I was trying to figure out whether the voice on the other end was a robot or an actual man who'd had the soul sucked out of him and replaced with sales tactics, he(?) explained that I could be the winner of several $25 gift cards to Walmart, Target....tuning out, tuning out, robot or man? tuning out....and, then he delivered the kicker: "Now doesn't that sound neat?"

I was stunned for a moment. This strange entity had combined the seemingly incongruous elements of mechanical speech and genuine childlike curiosity so impressively, I almost answered "yes, it sure does, old boy! tell me more!" But then I remembered about reality, and I told him to take me off his list. The lack of disappointment in his voice as he apologized for inconveniencing me was, well, disappointing. I thought we had something, old sales-bot and I. But it was all a facade. Dammit.

How to Transform Pain into Pleasant State of Mind: Lessons from an Experienced Avoider

Whenever something happens to make you sad, it is very important to blame someone. That way, you'll have the freedom to wallow in your pain without the burden of taking responsibility for it. Then, if you're ready to take it to the next level, tell people about what happened so they can feel sorry for you, and that will instantly make you feel important and loved. By this time, you will notice that the pain has started to be replaced by self-righteousness, which is a much more pleasant emotion.

Good luck! And you're welcome.

I AM THE WALRUS! and other evidence of insanity

 John Lennon has been quoted* as saying

"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."  

I'd like to support that argument with another quote, this one from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now:

"The mind unconsciously loves problems, because they give you an identity of sorts. This is normal, and it is insane."

Ergo... insanity is normal, and it's an epidemic. There's no escaping the madness, it's everywhere. Enlightenment is the only way. Be sane, choose peace. Be abnormal, choose love.

*I found this quote at  http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/john_lennon_2.html#ixzz1dzz2W6cR, and I hope that's okay with all parties involved. Nothing is legal, I suspect.

The Over-Occupation Problem

Can someone please explain to me what the Occupiers are trying to accomplish by standing around shouting their grievances?


I came up with some new slogans I thought would better express their objectives.* They will probably offend you, especially if you think you are part of the 99%, but I am the 101%... so I can do whatever I want.

Occupation: Just Another Word for Finger-Pointing
Don't Just Occupy, Do Something!
Stop the Occupation! Find a Solution!
Too Busy Occupying to Define Our Goals.

Yes We Can ... Blame You!
We're Angry! Grrrr!
99% Angry, 1% Constructive
Preoccupy...what hipsters were doing before occupying was cool

Man, all this slogan talk makes me want to protest something. I'm gonna go occupy Facebook for a while. Cheers and vague shouts of discontent!

*and lack thereof

I'm sure you can relate.

It's just one of those days, when I can't stop thinking about bacon and learning to play the ukelele.

Seeking validation.

It's days like these that I need to remember not all my friends use Facebook.

Dogs are dumb.

And that is why they are so magical. Yeah, yeah, some dogs are smart and can do lots of tricks and sense earthquakes and save us from home invaders and even alert the neighbors when we've had an epileptic episode and are paralyzed. But they have tiny, uncomplicated brains. They don't think about ideas or concepts like love, trust, happiness, and they don't ask why or analyze the joy out of their experiences. They just do them, and let us do us. Dogs are magical. Small brains and big drooly smiles.

Aliens and Edibles

Where I come from, there is a saying that goes: "Fat is not a feeling."  But if fat were a feeling, I would probably eat it.

I come from a strange place, where food tastes like crack that you have to smoke several times a day in order to survive.

I'm trying to live in a world that tells me food is not the enemy. Poor, delusional fools!

What all the kids are listening to

I'm sick of all the disaffected music I've been hearing. Too polished, too under control, too blase! Give me something raw, passionate, fierce, exuberant, outrageous, even angry -- I lack the patience for listless lo-fi and languid electronica.

How Embarrassing For You!

I learned this morning the reason that I'm so ... unsuccessful ... in relationships. According to a study from the University of California-Berkeley, people who are "easily embarrassed" are better at relationships, and because they are perceived to be more relatable, trustworthy, and generous. They also reported higher levels of monogamy.

I am deeply disturbed by this news, as I'm nearly immune to embarrassment.  I've learned to transform embarrassment into comedy, lest it transforms itself into shame. Embarrassment is an indulgence in vanity that I cannot afford.  At best, embarrassment is a useless emotion. At worst, it is an obsession.
In my experience, embarrassment isolates me from others. It obstructs creativity and limits my freedom of expression. I have no use for it.

Now, I can see where my lack of embarrassment might make me less relatable, or seem somewhat aloof. In a woman, especially, confidence in one's imperfection --- flaws freely expressed, with no apology offered -- does turn people off. I tell myself it is intimidating, understanding and accepting that most people will choose a different word. This doesn't bother me; it's a way to weed out the men I'd have no patience for.

But does my lack of self-consciousness make me untrustworthy, or selfish? Perhaps it suggests that I am not concerned about what you think of me, and therefore do not care about you. Not so! I care about you, I just don't need your approval. But it makes me think...if my sense of self-worth is not dependent on others' opinions, might that not make me less fearful of hurting you, alienating you, losing you? Add to that an appetite for pain, stemming from a belief in the inherent value of unpleasant emotions, and I begin to see the point.

Still, if an aversion to pain makes me more trustworthy, I think I'd rather be fearless and dangerous. But ask me again in a moment of melodrama, and I might give you a different answer.


Here's the full article if you're interested in some actual facts:

http://www.yourtango.com/2011109844/easily-embarrassed-people-are-better-lovers-says-study

Politics Scrambles My Brain into Angry Omelette

There was an ad on the radio this morning telling me that the government is trying to pass legislation that will punish teachers by taking away their pensions. Then, the news report said that two Illinois Federation of Teachers lobbyists, who substitute-taught in Springfield schools for one day each, qualified for full teachers pensions.

Posers! Imposters! Spokespeople! Middlemen! Liars!

So many politics, so few principles.

Work for your money, dammit, and stop trying to take it away from other people who have worked for it. Because teachers who actually teach--thereby providing a valuable service to society-- deserve to NOT be fucked over by those who don't do shit to contribute to the betterment of society.


Choose honesty! Choose integrity! Vote for NO ONE!!  Trust no politician, or those who share their bed (I'm talking to you, jerk-face lobbyists and union officials). Better yet, trust no one who advertises.

Fucking politics. Fucking liars.

Blending In. Or, Evidence of Insanity: Exhibit B.

An Excerpt from the Heart of Starkness, by Anonymous


I am wearing a light brown dress today, with nude-colored knit tights and tannish-gray boots. Which, I'm delighted to report, acts as camouflage in the Beige Cage.

In order to prove this phenomenon, I have been standing against the walls, being very, very still.  I'm certain no one knows I'm in here. Except, perhaps, the death-beasts living in the ceiling tent. They can probably smell me. I can feel their nostril-tentacles sniffing at me as I try to master the art of motionless breathing.

I am scared, and cold. I take solace in one thing, however: my almost-certain invisibility, which endows me with a sense of power reserved only for the gods and the death-beasts.   

You can't take the band out of bandersnatch, but you can't take the snatch out of my vocabulary!

Today's word of the day, compliments of Dictionary.com, is BANDERSNATCH!

It means a person of uncouth or unconventional habits, attitudes, etc., especially one considered a menace, nuisance, or the like. 

I know people like that, I've just never had the vocabulary to properly label them. Like those people who use Facebook to flaunt their bigotry -- racist, sexist, sexual preference-ist, religion-ist, cultural-ist, or just plain ignorant propaganda. Or the Tea Party. Those deluded protestors who seriously think Obama is the antichrist and that God chose them to be messengers of hatred.  Tom Cruise, before his agent told him to stop airing the crazy on public television. People who don't bathe regularly even though they have easy access to soap and water. Kesha (whose name I refuse to spell using anything other than actual letters, because that would be respecting her as an artist). Anyone who thinks evolution (and science, ergo) is the devil's attempt to sway us from a path of righteousness, and especially anyone who home-schools their kids because of science teachers. BANDERSNATCHES!

Who's the most dangerous BANDERSNATCH you know? 

Another September Confession

I'm just going to go ahead and say it.

I'm not really into Wilco.

I liked Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, but I didn't love it.

I probably won't buy their new album.

I feel better now. Thanks for listening. As a way of expressing my appreciation, please enjoy this Daytrotter session that I do love: agesandages

A Poem for Monday Night

Letting It Out...Loud: The Return: strange that having loved, and having battered, and having hardened against its demands, that love once an instinct at liberty, at hom...

and I thought I was the only one

I am disappointed to find out that I am not alone in my Dubstep experimentation. But the good news is, more naive fans equals this Dubstep for Dummies lesson from SPIN. I'm going to be honest, I haven't read it. On account of my (and 92% of all Internet-loving Americans') ADD. Plus, I wore glasses this morning and then switched to contacts, so looking at anything makes me dizzy and nauseated.

Perhaps one of my trusty followers can read it and give me a 100-word synopsis, plus relevant links? Oh, and maybe some Dramamine? Thanks.  You guys are the best!

http://www.spin.com/articles/dubstep-101-us-primer

An Intense Challenge

"Prayer is the courage to persevere. It is the struggle to overcome our own weakness and lack of confidence in ourselves. It is the act of impressing in the very depths of our being the conviction that we can change the situation without fail." 

- Daisaku Ikeda

So it turns out, we are not powerless after all. Buddhism teaches that every person possesses limitless potential to manifest their desires and become truly happy. Not immediately, not magically, and not without persistent action, but through transforming our own hearts from a state of fear and doubt to one of unshakeable faith and conviction in our own creative ability. When we truly believe we are capable of overcoming any challenge, we naturally attract positive energy and our environment begins to change. 

Prayer is not a request to an external benefactor, but a summoning of the courage, wisdom and strength that is found within our own lives—within the life of every human being. It is an uncompromising determination to triumph over our own human weakness, which manifests in self-centeredness, resentment and fear. It is a turning away from self-doubt toward a deep and powerful assertion of "I can!"

Building this kind of conviction is not easy. It entails a struggle to change the negative thought patterns and false beliefs which have dictated our behavior for so long that they have become like instinct. In order to change them, we must learn to recognize them, become aware of them working in our lives, and understand how they hold us back from realizing true and lasting happiness. We must stop seeking happiness outside ourselves and resist destructive impulses that give momentary pleasure or relief from pain. We must WANT to change. And then, we must make the determination to succeed, and never give up, no matter what. We start from where we are, at each moment, and never give in to defeat.


Choose happiness, choose courage, choose faith. And laugh much along the way!

Letting It Out...Loud: The extremities of ambivalence

New from the Poetry Well

Letting It Out...Loud: The extremities of ambivalence: Nostalgic for nothing definite. More like a feeling, or a version of me I'll never be again and yet always am. Moments slip away and ret...

Friends Don't Let Friends Doubt Their Career Choices

Me: I'm thinking about going back to school to be a teacher
Gina: You'd make a great teacher!
Me: You think so?
Gina: Yeah! It's kind of like being on stage.

=)

Dubstep for Big Dummies!

I recently embarked upon an exploration of electronic music, hoping to reignite my passion for indie and folk rock by subjecting my brain to the non-organic noise of remixes, mash-ups, and sampling. Please keep in mind I have no idea what some of these words mean and may be using them incorrectly, albeit confidently. Putting aside my snobbish distaste for synthesized sounds, I consulted a local expert to guide me through the big, baffling world of electronica. The following is a summary of my findings thus far:

1. Dubstep = 140 beats per minute. Some DJs (artists? claim to make (spin? play? produce?) dubstep, but they don't know what it means. I can relate to that. I think I will like dubstep the best, because wikipedia says it's instrumental with a commonly dark "feel" and dissonant harmonies. I adore dissonance.

2. Tiesto is one of the most accomplished and influential producers of electronica, but he doesn't have a crown to prove it, so I'm not convinced. Also, I listened to his stuff on MySpace and it bored me.

3. Glow sticks are optional. This was disappointing to me.

Stay tuned for more educational words from the electronically ignorant.

8th step confession.

There's an IP (informational pamphlet) called "Staying Clean on the Outside," and I once told a newcomer it was about showers and stuff.

Also disconcerting...

...is when you suddenly realize you're not chewing gum anymore and you don't remember spitting it out.

Friends don't let friends cause riots. Without good cause.

It's disconcerting when a friend ends a conversation with "Aliens are on their way," and then immediately signs off. At least explain WHO they're on their way to, you or me. Because I'd really rather save myself the embarrassment of causing another "alien attack! quick, everybody wrap yourself in aluminum foil! we're going to mars!" scene at work. It could cost me my job this time.

Warning: Body Language May Suddenly Become Awkward

I just had a conversation with a coworker in which I pointed to myself with my thumb. I was distracted for the rest of the conversation because all I could think about was how I just did that. I just did that. Yep. At least I didn't use both thumbs. Because THAT would have been embarrassing. But I do think I waggled my eyebrows, which is far less waggly and more raise-y than it sounds.

My First Paid Gig!

I performed at a LIVE comedy competition on Saturday night. The three best comics were awarded $25 Visa gift cards. Guess who was one of those winners? That's right....ME!

As I accepted my prize, I humbly thanked God, my talented acting staff, and my parents for supporting my dreams to become one of the three funniest people to perform in a church basement. Then I gave high fives to the other two comics who entered the contest.

Words' Worth

Thanks to my Groupon/comedy/music addiction(s), I find myself in the unfortunate position of needing to take on some extra work. Sadly, my talents are limited to the less-lucrative arenas of writing, being mildly amusing, and basic (read: obsolete) computer skills.

It's times like these I tell myself, I should've been an artist. Pretty pictures pay better than puns. And alliteration is free!

Should've gone with the "poke."

There was a really hot guy at the gym today, so I gave him a "thumbs up" to indicate that I "liked" him. But either he doesn't speak Facebook, or my friend request just got denied.

Next time, I'm gonna tag him. Guys like girls who show initiative, right?

The secrets of my mind, revealed!

My mom sent me one of those chain e-mails the other day, and I felt like maybe this time it would really work. So I tried it. It asked a series of 11 questions, and then at the end it told me what my answers meant.

It turns out, the song "Coin-Operated Boy" reveals a lot about my mind. (watch the video here)

Chinese horoscope magic!

Note: I failed to forward the e-mail to 10 people, so I am going to lose $10,000. Which would be more impressive than unfortunate, because I don't have $10,000.

Fun with Stickers and Cars

You know those stick figure decals people put on their car windows, to represent the unique characteristics of their families? I think a fun joke would be to put a stick figure lady on someone's car and then surround it with like seventeen or eighteen cats.



P.S. I just looked this up, and it would cost me about $53 dollars.

Letting It Out...Loud: The Soothing Delusions of Solitary Confinement

Letting It Out...Loud: The Soothing Delusions of Solitary Confinement: "I met a man who suffered fear
because he mistook his work for his worth
I shared with him some wisdom I'd found
admitting that I, too, w..."

Driving Lessons

Dear Nameless Driver,

When you are talking on your cell phone and ignoring a stop sign, please do not beep and gesture angrily at me for driving legally. It hurts my feelings. Also, I'm pretty sure it's not good for you, either. Let's be kind from now on.

Sincerely,
Another Nameless Driver

Seeking therapist for depressed lymph nodes

Groupn's offering half off lymphatic-drainage therapy, and I am horrified. And intrigued. And now my lymph nodes are starting to feel toxic. Damn you Groupon!

Dinner conversations with Dad*

My Dad (annoyed): I keep waking up in the middle of the night with songs stuck in my head.
Me: What kind of songs?
My Dad (incredulous): Last night, it was Lady Gaga.
Me: Oh my God, what did you do?
My Dad (distressed): I didn't know what to do!
Moments of quiet contemplation and sympathetic head shaking.

*Inspired by actual events. Some of the words and moods may or may not have been slightly embellished.

Hope Shot

"The gratification of desires is not happiness. Genuine happiness can only be achieved when we transform our way of life from the unthinking pursuit of pleasure to one committed to enriching our inner lives, when we focus on “being more” rather than simply having more." - D. Ikeda, SGI

My problem isn't that I want too much. It's that I have been conditioned to believe there is anything I cannot have. Anything I want can be mine. The key is in believing it is so, in transforming my heart from a state of fear and disbelief into one of profound conviction and determination that I, like every living being, have limitless potential to manifest unshakable happiness.

So what do I want? Peace. Direction. Abundant creative output. More money for concert tickets, live entertainment, classes, massages, pedicures and shoes. A fun and engaging career in comedy. To be a performer. To encourage, inspire and uplift as many people as possible through comedy and creative expression. To stop thinking so much and just write. Clarity. Confidence. Patience. Compassion. Genuine friendship. World peace. A brighter and more colorful workspace. The dissolution of political parties. A month-long vacation in Europe. To work out more and feel better about my body. New earrings. The motivation to pack up my belongings and find an apartment in the city. More hugs. A new haircut. Better posture. And to stay young for the rest of my life.

That's all I want. Now you go, loyal readers! I want all seven of you to tell me what you want. CHEER!

On 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche

My review* of ForCheer's Most-Recommended Show of the Week, 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche.

In the immortal words of Wren Robin, it's "tooo good!" Superbly written (Dale's monologue is one of my favorite things to happen to me this year), and brilliantly performed (each sister/widow/lesbian shone in her own right), and packed with enough tiny bites of comic delight to make a sister explode! In conclusion, this is a must-see show for everyone. Except humorless dummies. They will not like it. But I did, sooo much!

*Insider Tip: If you go see the show, my review becomes 17% more clever! Go SEE it! Goldstar has discounted tickets. That's an actual tip with immediate pay-off.

Show page: The New Colony | 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche

Support the arts. Deal.

Sometimes I wonder where it all goes. My money, that is. I'm all "I'm so poor, how did this happen?" And then the day after payday arrives, and I get so many incredible offers in my inbox. Dance classes, acting classes, concert, comedy show, and bam! Money spent. The Chicago arts community really should dedicate a monument to me or something. Like a statue of a theatrical tap-dancing comedian with ear plugs. That would be nice.

Toned.

I started a new exercise regiment recently, in which I squeeze my abdominal muscles and practice excellent posture for approximately 10 minutes (not necessarily consecutively) every day. .. I think it's really paying off, mentally.

All Chicked Out

You know how chick can also mean girl? I would like to write a musical parody of Guys and Dolls, but call it Cocks and Chicks. I've never seen Guys and Dolls, and I don't know what it's about, so I probably won't write the parody. But I like the title. So I'll just write that. Cocks and Chicks!

Be Alive.

If you don't struggle, grapple, ponder, strive, challenge, reflect or create, I don't know what to say to you. Beyond small talk, what would we discuss? What do such people discuss? Life is a continuous effort to keep going forward, peppered with triumphs and setbacks and sudden attacks of ennui. I relish those who take up the cause. Be determined. Be engaged. Be concerned. I haven't the time or the energy for the non-living.

Cliffhanger.

I woke up as the Velociraptor was about to challenge the T-Rex.

Nice mustache. Wanna stare at some musicians together?

I went to Green Music Fest in Wicker Park on Saturday, where, beneath the requisite haze of pot smoke, amassed hordes of ironic mustaches and the girls who inexplicably love them. All abuzz with anticipation (assonance: alliteration for vowels) for the musical stylings of Yo La Tengo.

Many wore costumes, few danced. I understood; it's nearly impossible to maintain stoic indifference and dance simultaneously. Safer to leave self-expression to one's outfit.

Preemptive defensiveness vs ecstatic self-abandonment. I win.

The risks of engaging in polite conversation

One of the greatest hazards of small talk is being subjected to some near-stranger's medical concerns, personal tragedy, or generalized complaints about the injustice of their life condition. That's why I'm no longer going to ask "how are you?" unless I'm sincerely interested in the answer. From this day forward, I will be greeting coworkers and acquaintances with statements only. For example: "I bid you good day, sir." or "Girl, you're gonna make it after all." or "Solider on, comrade." or "Cool socks."

Moreover, when someone asks how I am, I will employ the proven strategy of preemptive aggression. Here's how I imagine this going:

Colleague: Hey, how's it going?
Me: That is a private matter I only feel safe discussing with a licensed therapist.
(awkward silence)
Me: Cool socks.
(at this point, I will turn and sprint in the other direction, then realize I just came from there and stop on a dime, turn around, and recommence sprinting, this time yelling nonsense and waving my hands above my head)

Sophisticated Taste

I was thinking about Reader's Digest today, because my brain is like my iPod on shuffle, and how as a child, I used to devour the true stories about shark attacks, hippo attacks, mountain climbing disasters, kidnappings, and other horrifying accounts of traumatized survivors. Those, and the little anecdotes in the "Laughter, the Best Medicine" sections.

Yes, I am clumsier than usual. Thank you for noticing!

I need seven hours of good sleep, or I am mentally handicapped, emotionally unstable and physically awkward. Which makes writing an argument for Christian-inspired, China-made collectibles quite a challenge. On the positive side, my alliteration skills are still intact.

Tear Fears and the Female Heart

Do you know what I love about women? Women will let you cry without trying to calm you down or reassure you that it's not that bad. Women know what sometimes it is bad, and that the only way to get through it is by expressing just how bad it is. Women know that tears don't always mean pain. Women know that tears, even when they do mean pain, also mean life. Women don't fear tears because women are experts in pain and joy and love and hope and despair and triumph and fear and heartache and fury. Women are artists of emotions.

Dream House

In second grade, my dream house had turquoise siding, purple trim, and a window seat in my bedroom. I bet I could make that happen one day.

Destiny

Everything happens for a reason if I want it to.

Hearts Don't Burst

"To lead a life in which we are inspired and can inspire others, our hearts have to be alive; they have to be filled with passion and enthusiasm. To achieve that, we need the courage to live true to ourselves. Rather than borrowing from or imitating others, we need the conviction to be able to think for ourselves and to take action out of our own sense of responsibility." - Daisaku Ikeda

I've been confronting some pretty daunting obstacles lately. Challenges which I've avoided for years through a variety of destructive, life-negating techniques. In Buddhism, the concept of fundamental darkness refers to the deep-seated human delusions that keep us from seeing the unlimited potential for beauty and truth and happiness that exists within each and every living being. The lies we have learned to believe. I'm not talented enough to pursue that career. My worth depends on how attractive, accomplished, or rich I am. I can't.

In the course of my life, I've cultivated a great many false beliefs about myself. These delusions are deep-seated and manifest themselves in many different, often subtle ways. Powerful emotional responses fueled by compulsive fear-based thinking. These reactions are not only life-negating, but self-negating. Which, ultimately, is the same thing.

I am on a mission to realize my true self. Therein, I believe, will I find my highest purpose. To be myself fully and with conviction, I aim to enrich the world in my own unique and valuable way. And in doing so, to be able to inspire others to do the same -- find their meaning in the precious individuality of their being.

To inspire. From the Latin, meaning "to breathe into." In my art, it has always been my goal to inspire others, to touch their hearts and fill them with the intense vitality of human emotions and the determination to pursue victory. What I've not realized until recently, is that this is also the goal of my life itself. And the way to victory is in transforming my mind and my spirit ... to breathe life into my heart until it is so full I think it will burst. This is a state of abundance. This is the passion I feel so blessed to experience. This is the indestructible joy I am seeking, and which I will realize through persistent effort and a renewed commitment to honor and be myself. Just as I am.

Miraculous Feats: An Update

I was mistaken. I'll be walking on hot coals, not water.

Manic Status Episodes

Or, how I manage my frequent need for attention and entertainment.

There are times when, sitting in my beige cage pondering a particularly troubling collectibles dilemma, I am overcome by an urgent desire to shout "look at me! listen to me! I'm having brainchildren!"

Luckily, I've found a far less horrifying and alienating alternative: manic facebook status updates.

Facebooking addiction, the socially-acceptable alternative.

Savage Vocab

I had a dream last night in which an older gentlemen whom I didn't quite care for used the word truculent, and nobody knew what it meant. So I enthusiastically assured him I would bring it back. So, even though I didn't take too kindly to the dude, a promise is a promise (as my sister used to say). Here's the gist. I think it's a good word for today. Or any day you're feeling emotionally assaulted.

truc u lent
[truhk-yuh-luhnt, troo-kyuh-]

–adjective

1. fierce; cruel; savagely brutal.

2. brutally harsh; vitriolic; scathing: his truculent criticism of her work.

3. aggressively hostile; belligerent.

(from Dictionary.com)

Remember Mixed Tapes?

http://schubas.com/News/Office+Mixtape+0520

I'm gonna jam to this for a while. I suggest you do the same.

Truth Babies

I've gotta stop listening to what my brain tells me. I'm pretty sure the truth doesn't express itself in words, but in feelings. Or instinct. Some still pool of silence deep, deep within us each.

I like to think of my uterus as the house of truth.

Free Monkeys!

Considering songs for a wolf-themed music box, someone suggested "Born Free." Which someone else dismissed because it is about lions, asking "doesn't it make people think about lions?"

I didn't reply, because it makes me think of gorillas. And I don't know what happened in my life to create that association, but I'm instinctively ashamed of it.

Wasn't there a movie about a boy and his gorilla, called born free? Or was that just a dream I had?

Believe!

My Mom called yesterday evening to say she's signed me up for a seminar where I will learn how to walk on water. Best Mom Ever!

Letting It Out...Loud: Like So Many Broken Yolks

Letting It Out...Loud: Like So Many Broken Yolks: "The splatter pattern cracked a grin Toddled sideways back at him Pinched a nerve Proclaimed him cured and Spat it tattered out at him"

Dig on New Grooves

Cameron McGill & What Army released their latest album, Is a Beast, a few weeks ago, and I'm just listening to it now for the first time. It fills me with regret that I missed their release show at Schuba's, because this is a pretty spectacular album. More complex than the stripped-down and sweet Warm Songs for Cold Shoulders, and maybe a little more polished or ambitious than Hold On Beauty (both fabulous albums which I highly recommend), it offers all the lyrical insight that first inspired my enthusiasm for Cameron's music. More impressive, however, is the sheer mastery with which the band intertwines horns, strings, drums, and, or course, harmonica and ivory, around Cameron's slightly cocky yet irresistible and captivating voice.

Music is beyond words, so ignore everything I just said and listen to the album for yourself here:
http://cameronmcgill.bandcamp.com/album/is-a-beast

Never too late

I know this is a little late, but it's a treasure worth sharing.

The highlight of this year's Mother's Day was, hands-down, my mom's attempt to explain to my sister the meaning of S&M (it's like, whips and chains and / ew, mom, stop / but, when they, like, enjoy /ahhh, MOM! I know what it means!)

It's moments like these that I cherish the most.

Tell yourself, just for today...

I will banish self-defeating thoughts.
I will be daring and ruthless in my pursuit of self-esteem.
I will reserve my judgment and be generous with my encouragement.
I will seek and find acceptance within myself.

Or at least I won't try to convince others that I suck at life.

Self-contempt is so last season. Choose victory, dammit.

Professional Detachment

In copywriting, one must refrain from taking pride in or ownership of one's work. So when multiple people consistently "don't like" one's work, or describe it as seeming "weird," one does not fail prey to feelings of outrage, violent impulses and a false sense of worthlessness.

It's not that we think you're bad at creative thinking. It's just that we would prefer you to write words that don't make us confused, uncomfortable, amused, or any emotion other than materialistic mania.

At least I have my team leader (a fellow creative) on my side. Sympathy = Nonviolence.

Dear Chicago Police Department,

I will pay you your $120, because I have no choice. But know this: You're a big dumb jerk and I hate you.

Big angry face,
ME

Making friendly with reality

How does one deal with a painful reality? Deny, deny, deny. Then have a good cry, call your most sympathetic friend, and accept the truth in good company.

Conversation Between Two People in My Head

Question: Where does happiness come from?
Answer: My brain.
Question: What does that mean?
Answer: I am the key to happiness.
Comment: I didn't realize the door was locked.
Retort: There's a lot you don't know.

I say that with affection

Cast your ballot for your favorite office space ew-phemism. Comments are encouraged, as are suggestions. This is important business. Do NOT take this lightly. Or I will never blog again.

1. Dim-Den
2. The Beige Cage
3. Square Lair
4. Cubicle Cave
5. Heart of Starkness
6. Hazmat Harbor
7. Where Sunshine Goes to Die
8. The In-cube-ator
9. Den of Ridiquity
10. Poor-Square

Old Style + Defeat = Less Angry?

After a 1-0 loss to the Minnesota Twins, my Chicago White Sox are now 11-20.

I'm beginning to understand what it must feel like to be a Cubs fan. No wonder they're all drunken frat boys.

That did not just happen!

I just went to use the bathroom at work, and I sneezed, and a woman said "God Bless You!" from another stall.

Bathroom etiquette is tricky, but I think it's perfectly acceptable—preferable, even—to deny the existence of anyone else who happens to be in the bathroom with you. Just pretend none of this is really happening, I say.

Which is actually a pretty useful philosophy even beyond the arena of public restrooms.

Vanity is a Commodity

I turned on the radio this morning to get the weather, and what I got instead was plastic surgery propaganda. Apparently, there is a hot new trend in negative self-image that is sweeping the nation. And just in time for summer, season of short skirts and bathing suits and a nagging sense of inadequacy among American females over the age of 9.

"Kneenkles" Meaning knee wrinkles. An (evidently) devastating phenomenon that can only be treated with surgery. Knee lifts are the new Botox. For those of us who can't afford to go under the knife, we're left with no choice but to cover our horribly disfigured bodies with long skirts and pants. Lest we reveal our humanity.

We live in a culture in which capitalism trumps ethical integrity. In which people will defend the sanctity of marriage by condemning homosexuals, defend the sanctity of life by harassing desperate women going to and from clinics, and yet have no respect -- not even hypocritical respect -- for the spiritual quality of human life.

Do we really need more reasons to hate ourselves? If it sells more wrinkle cream or lines the pockets of more plastic surgeons, then damn right we do. Self-loathing sells. And isn't that what really matters?

Well, that, and physical perfection.

Aspirations

I've been doing some serious soul-searching, and I've decided to pursue a career in hunting/gathering.

To stand outside the ordinary self

Why are you just standing there?! Don't you feel that? Pulling at you, pounding in your chest, shooting through you like lightning? Forget you're surrounded by hordes of people. Now is not the time for vanity or pride. Now is the time for oblivion.

Don't just stand there. Dance! Dance like everyone's watching and you don't give a shit. Dance like it's your right. Dance like you know something they don't. Because you do. Dance!

It's ecstasy.

I've done it again.

I went to get Thai Crazy Noodles for lunch, and as I pulled out of the parking lot, I caught my reflection in the rearview mirror. It was then it struck me. I had worn one pink flirty earring and one gray bird earring!!!

Humiliated and disgraced, I've deemed myself unfit for human interaction. I am writing this now from the back seat of my car, where I've assumed the fetal position and vowed to stay until (if) the universe chooses forgives me. Or until 5, when I'll just drive home.

This one's for you, Mom.

As a pagan (read: heathen), I would prefer to spend this upcoming Sunday reveling in sin (read: sloth). But as the daughter who understands all too well the subtleties of her mother's speech, and the futility of resistance, I'll celebrate Easter with my family, like a proper (albeit recovering) Catholic. But only because I love my mother. And thoroughly enjoy spending time with my family. And because Jesus seemed like a good guy, and I think it's really great that he conquered death. That's neat. I bet he wouldn't even mind that I'm a heathen. He'd probably just condescend to me, or pity me, and that wouldn't bother me too much because I kind of expect that from religious people. It's actually nice when people care about my eternal damnation. Someone should, I guess, cause I'm not too worried about it. I figure, J-town's probably got my back.

Only one month left! Get pumped!

To my faithful readership:

I took this photo in Hollywood 55 days before May 21, 2011 (you do the math, it's against my religion to count). I am sharing it with you now because I firmly believe this guy would want you to know.

Also, you can't see it in this photo, but in the background there are banners advertising a show called God of Carnage. There isn't a chance in hell that this is a coincidence. Pun intended. And nailed.

Enjoy your final days. See you on the other side.

Sincerely, ME

This is really happening.

There is a man on stilts outside of my cubicle. How does one deal with such a threat to one's sanity and sense of well-being? Denial. Pretend he's not there. This isn't really happening. I've clearly been roofied and am hallucinating.

I also got an e-mail inquiring about a #002 NA Flying Maiden. This might be code, which makes me think there's something they're not telling me.

The workplace is a breeding ground for paranoia and delusions.

Don't take no shit

"Believing in people, believing in some rich unknown something and drawing it out-that is the vigorous spirit of education."

And yet, in contemporary American culture, the purpose of education is to extract not "some rich unknown something," but rather earning potential -- not that which will enrich the spirit of the human community, but that which will profit the insatiable material desires of our nation.

In such an environment, the potential of the individual is measured quantitatively, our worth reduced to a number. It is as much the fault of the educational system as those of us who perpetuate false ideals by submitting to them. I aim to fight. I aim to believe in people.

Regret

I try not to think of them as "mistakes," but more like opportunities to engage in melodramatic self-reproach.

Learning is sooooo fun.

Springtime in Chicago

40 degrees and raining. Because sunshine is for pussies.

An aside: For those who find that word offensive, please feel free to substitute "lily livers," which is evidently a synonym for wimp. I looked it up because I didn't want to alienate any of my 6 loyal fans by using only vulgar words without providing alternatives.

Facebook Etiquette 101

Sometimes I find myself getting frustrated at other people's lack of commitment to the integrity of Facebook posting. Social media is not a venue for cataloging the daily minutiae of one's life. Nor is over-generalized passive aggression, excessive quoting of song lyrics (especially without proper citation or punctuation), or extreme positivity and exuberance not tempered by at least occasional violent outbursts or fits of despair, appreciated.

All I ask is this: If you don't have anything wildly entertaining, deeply thought-provoking, uproarious, educational, or at least intriguing, to share, don't share anything at all. Or I'll unfriend you faster than you can type "FML."

Love and emoticons,
ME

Sometimes I'm serious!

"The greatest resource that humankind has is to be found within human life itself. This treasure can be endlessly mined and developed. To believe in and encourage youth, bringing out their wisdom and strength, this is the challenge and purpose of education." Daisaku Ikeda

I think this is the challenge and purpose of life, as well. I want to devote myself to this endeavor: to believe in and encourage humanity. To demonstrate gratitude for the gifts I've been given by using them to encourage and empower others. To help them both see their own potential and discover within themselves the strength and courage to fulfill it, so that they might realize truth, beauty and fullness. And I will thereby be doing the same for myself (oh, the illusion of altruism!), for such is a life of meaning, of purpose.

This is what compels me to strike out on the path that has perhaps always been there, laid out for me, but which I have been too timid, too lacking in faith, to acknowledge as my own. What a long, strange trip it's been...and it is my greatest hope that the road ahead will lead to even stranger things. I want to be astonished, enraptured, baffled and exasperated, by the sheer mystery of what it means to be human and alive. I want to exhaust myself...before I leave this place, as we all do in the end.

See what you're missing?

I did a workout dvd this morning that was so intense! Then I collapsed on the floor and my cats came and sat on me. I think they thought I was dead and they were in mourning. It was a touching family moment. I wish you could have been there.

Get poetic! A metaphor.

A flat screen with rabbit ears.

Meaning: Impressive form belying vacuous content and shoddy quality; a poser.

Use it: With his lumberjack beard, plastic-rimmed glasses and skinny jeans, Conor looked like a genuine hipster. But his exceptionally bad taste in music and secret Starbucks habit proved him to be just a flat screen with rabbit ears.

How to Sell a Car in 3 Words or Less.

Drove past a car dealership this afternoon. All of the cars facing the street had advertisements written on the windshield: Like New! Great Deal! and my personal favorite, Cool to Drive! That one was on a Hummer. I'm sold.

Interesting Proposal

Dear Ezra Furman,

Marry Me. But only if you're open to polygamy. Because I already have a wife, and because one day I hope to marry a man I actually know.

Think about it.

Potentially partially yours,

Me

Served!

I finally got the chance to address my long-harbored grievance against XSport Fitness this morning, and the best part is, it was solicited! Here's the gist:

Ring ring. Not a recognized number. I'm wary.
Me (warily): Hello?
XSport Lady: Is this Kelly?
Me (suspiciously): Yes.
Xsport Lady: I'm a lady representing XSport. Can you answer two questions?
Me (seeing an opportunity, delighted): Yes I can.
XSport Lady: Oh terrific, that's very generous of you (she clearly hears "no" a lot). Okay, the first question is, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being not at all likely, and 10 being very likely, how likely are you to refer a friend to Xsport.
Me (victoriously): Zero!
Xsport: Wow, zero! That is not a positive response! Okay, well the second question is, why did you respond the way you did?
Me (happy to explain): Because I don't appreciate being manipulated into signing a contract under misleading terms.
XSport: Hmm, okay, I'm writing "she didn't appreciate being ..." misled, was it?
Me (helpful): Yes, and manipulated. m-a-n-i-p-u-l-a-t-e-d
XSport: Got it. Well, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience, would you like someone from the business office to get in touch with you?
Me (disdain): Oh God no. I'm done!
XSport Lady: Ok, I'm writing "she's done." Great, now is there anything else you'd like to add?
Me (pleasantly): Nope.
XSport Lady: Well, thank you for taking the time to speak with me, Kelly.
Me (graciously): Oh no, thank YOU.

I sure showed that faceless corporation what's up!

Sounds FUN.

Foster the People | Lincoln Hall | June 12

I'm in. Go here:

http://lincolnhallchicago.com/Shows/06-12-2011+Foster+the+People

Taking the day off

I really appreciate when someone places unrealistic expectations on me. It's a nice break from doing it myself.

Just a typical day at the office

There is a giant inflatable Reindeer wagging its head in the lobby. Next to a less giant, but equally inflated, snowman reclining on the floor in a faintly provocative manner.

Socially awkward

I'm beginning to think that my passionate outbursts and ready tears make people uncomfortable. Go figure. But even so, I remain unapologetic. Discomfort builds character. So really, I'm doing society a favor by dramatizing my emotional experiences in public.

The allure of false idols

The quick fix is a fleeting illusion to a problem that requires a permanent solution. But it sure looks tempting, and innocent, too. Crafty!

On muffin tops

I've said it before and I'll say it again. They're everybody's favorite part of the muffin. Isn't it time we just embraced that fact?

My motto for today.

Pursue happiness ruthlessly.

Three Cheers for Courage!

"The biggest obstacles to our progress exist within our own lives in the form of cowardice and the tendency to give up. Breaking through these barriers will unleash a surging wave of change." -- Buddhist Philosopher Daisaku Ikeda on courage

"Quitters never win, and winners never quit." ---My dad on life

"I'm going for it!" --me on victory

Attention-Seeker's New Slogan

love me, adore me, send me fan mail and cookies.

or just send me the cookies, adoration optional.

Bitchin' Tragedy

You know how there's that unspecified but enforced period of time that has to lapse before it becomes socially acceptable to laugh at a tragedy? Apparently that doesn't apply to "tiger bloods."

Or maybe it works in reverse, and like 6 months from now we'll be able to look back on all this and weep. I certainly hope so.

Sealife Jargon

Pinnipeds. I came across this word while researching endangered species. It describes the Northern fur seal, and comes from the Latin words for feather (pinna) and foot (ped).

Dictionary.com gives this definition:

1. belonging to the Pinnipedia, a suborder of carnivores with limbs adapted to an aquatic life, including the seals and walruses.

Ah, the Pinnipedia! Try dropping THAT vocab gem into a conversation today. When confronted with the inevitable "Pinna-what?" don't give them the satisfaction of an answer. Instead, try raising your eyebrows and saying in an amused tone, "Really?" then, when they don't answer, look around to the others in the conversation and mouth the word "WOW." You can follow up with a dismissive "Any-waysss."

Let me know how it goes.

Expensive vocabularies.

Fuck you and your five dollar words, I got words Donald Trump couldn't afford.

But I'm saving them for someone special. Hmmph.

The Pains of Being (like) Plexiglas

I'd sort of like to be the kind of woman one might describe as delicate. But I'm afraid I'm rather sturdy and shatter-resistant. Like plexiglas. It's not so bad, though. At least I can take a hit.

Dear Michelle Obama:

Childhood obesity is not a privilege, it's a right.
A God-given, Constitutionally-implied, founding-fathers-approved RIGHT.
Same 's ignorance and hate-mongerin' and shootin' moose fer fun.
You un-American Communist.
Self-righteously yours,
The GOP

Splendor ME!

I just discovered that splendor can be used as a verb. Versatility, BAM!

Definitions from Dictionary.com

–verb (used with object)

to make splendid by decorating lavishly; adorn.

–verb (used without object)

to move or proceed with splendor, grandeur, or pomp.

Here's my suggestions on ways to integrate the splendor-verb into everyday conversation (you're welcome):

1. My new cubicle was super beige, so I splendored it with Justin Bieber pictures.

2. The crowd went wild as Steak Face splendored around the ring after executing his famous Porkchop Elbow Drop.

Excerpt from my life story

me to the mirror: Damn you! (it's mocking me.)

hatred is a hard habit to break
but it's ugly and appalling.
banishing it now.

me to my self-hatred habit: BANISHED! (I'm shaking my fist)

Just another paranoid monday

There was an old (presumably abandoned) car engulfed in flames on the southbound tri-state this morning. Cars heading north slowed to gape, but I thought we ought to speed up, because don't flaming cars usually explode? Luckily for me and my fellow morbidly fascinated drivers, this one didn't.

Another strange happening on this eerie Monday morning:

I sent a dozen or so pages of job tickets to the downstairs printer, in a conscious and noble effort to save colored ink. When I went down to retrieve them only minutes later, I found them in the recycling bin. I suspect the people in legal are plotting against me.

Proper Adjectives

Magnanimous is a good word, especially when used to describe oneself. Which I did this morning, but not before looking it up at Thesaurus.com to make sure I had the spelling correct (why not Dictionary.com, you ask? Nobody can say for sure). The first synonym listed was "Santa Claus."

See for yourself: http://thesaurus.com/browse/magnanimous

I don't know which I prefer:
Dear sir, Thank you for your magnanimous contribution ...
Dear sir, Thank you for your Santa Claus contribution...

Oh, I think the winner is clear.

FREE advice

Describing a band as "coed" makes it seem more saucy than, say "three dudes and a chick," which just sounds like a tasteless youtube video or a really bad romcom starring tom selleck.

Wisdom for Those Who Have Lately Parted Ways with an Ex

'Tis better to have loved and lost then to have loved and killed in a fit of PCP-induced rage, because murder of a free-loading ex with a muppet fetish, while ethically justified and a valuable service to society, is nonetheless illegal and usually leads to doing hard time in the clink."

Tuesday's Word of the Day!

Kerfuffle --n 1. commotion; disorder; agitation

USE IT to explain a perfectly understandable mistake:
Amidst the kerfuffle of the mosh pit, I somehow lost track of the kid I was babysitting.

New Word (and it's reusable)

Hermitization noun, the process of isolating oneself from society in order to elicit and confront uncomfortable or painful emotions for the sake of creative progress.

How to use vague nonsense to appear profound, Example #2

there will never be another tomorrow like yesterday's today. so live accordingly.

Mind your P's

Five of my favorite p-words, their meaning, and how to use it in a sentence. Educational!

PANACHE –noun A grand or flamboyant manner; verve; style; flair
Use it! to describe disappointing sex with an actor: Despite his panache on stage, he was really quite dull in the bedroom.

PANOPLY –noun A splendid and striking array

Use it! to make a hoarder's collection sound impressive: He was amazed by the panoply of Thomas Kinkade collector's plates he found in the kitchen.

PEDANTIC –adj 1. Ostentatious in one's learning; 2. Overly concerned with minute details or formalisms, esp. in teaching.
Use it! to keep it real: Just 'cause your participles don't dangle don't make you better than me, you pedantic jerk-off!

PREPOSTEROUS -adj Contrary to nature, reason, or common sense; absurd
Use it! to mask ignorance by assuming an air or superiority: Evolution? That's preposterous! Everybody knows science is just Satan's way of seducing young children into unholy habits like asking questions.

PURLOIN -verb -transitive To steal, often in a violation of trust
Use it! to channel your inner hipster: Yeah, man, the Handsome Furs were awesome, but if you ask me, Oberhofer really purloined the show! Oh, you've never heard of them? I'm not surprised.

Lessons in Parenting from David and Duggles

Conversation overheard from my cubicle. David is describing the instinctive reaction of a parent to his sick kid "spewing" mucus in the middle of the night. I've spared the least-savory details, as a gesture of consideration.

David: What would you have done? Let the kid spew all over the bed --
Duggles:Absolutely.
David: --and change the sheets at 4 o'clock in the morning? I don't think so.
Duggles: So naturally, you offered your hands.
David: Naturally. (pause for dramatic effect) And this happened FOUR times!
Me, interjecting from the neighboring row of cubicles: How does that happen four times? Then, anticipating a literal, descriptive response from David: I mean, you couldn't have given him a bucket?
David, considering the question as if for the first time: Well...I mean, the bathroom was only a few feet away (as if this explains anything).
Duggles, seeing my bafflement and loyally coming to the rescue of his friend's pride: A good parent doesn't give their kid a bucket. A good parent uses his bare hands.
Me: Oh. I definitely got a bucket.
Duggles: That explains a lot. Mine just wrapped a towel around my mouth.
Chorus: Mmph.

The Sweet Dreams of Rudy Tushane, Part One

Rudy Tushane is a 54-year-old janitor who just got laid off from the suburban elementary school where he'd worked for the past 23 years. Tall, lanky, gray-haired with a scraggy beard and angular facial features, he lives alone in the suburbs. Temporarily employed in the shipping and receiving department of Menards, he harbors a secret passion for baking and cupcake decorating.

Over the course of the past 25 years (when his first and only wife Mandy Loo divorced him after only six months of marriage, citing his unwillingness to reconcile differences as the grounds, but that's a story for another time), Rudy has devoted the majority of his free time to perfecting his recipe for Better Off Without Loo Cupcakes. A flavor explosion of chocolate and raspberry with just a hint, a mere suggestion, of heat, the recipe is the chef-d'oeuvre of his bachelorhood. Or, as he put it in his diary one triumphant night, the "best darn cupcake since Jesus' time."

Now, finally ready to unveil his masterpiece to the world, he's entered the third annual Cupcakes of Steel Bake-Off, an Iron Chef-style competition held every year in Columbus. The winner gets a guest spot on Up and Adam, the city's morning news show, broadcast across the state, including Beansworth, where his ex-wife lives. Vindication would be the word to describe what Rudy is imagining when he visualizes himself winning the competition. What he actually thinks to himself is something more along the lines of "That'll teach her, walkin' out on the best thing that ever happened to her, just cause I didn't wanna share my bed for sleepin. Man's gotta right to his own sleepin quarters, after all. Psshh. But she'll see her mistake soon enough, yessir...."

To be continued.

How to use vague nonsense to appear profound, Example #1

Live today like it was yesterday.

This is reusable.

Tater totes.

As in:
Wow, that was a pretty sick dance move!
Tater totes, bro.

The last ten minutes of thought.

Stress-ache.
overpowering vanity.
strangers' conversations are difficult to recreate.
Beige Oppression
advertising is just a nice word for lying.
the answers are late arriving
i am the only god i've ever trusted
attack of the vagaries
it's never not now. it's always now. joy is indestructible.
this is the opposite of esoteric.

Alternate Title for My Hypothetical Band

Frizzy Bangs

The Cheshire Effect

It's a poetic way of saying "faces without bodies" or "floating smiles," and it's the official name of the hypothetical band I just formed. I play drums. Bongo drums. And occasionally a tambourine. I also hum. But I don't have a mic because even my humming is discordant. And we're not some post-melodic experimental nonband. Our genre is good music. And we are the tops, the freakin' tops, man. Check back for updates.

Open auditions will be held as soon as someone expresses interest in joining my band. Must have mad skills and be willing to teach me to play drums. Interested parties should reply to this post.

Area Boy Uses Box of Crayons to Retrieve Earring from Toilet

Platsburgh, VT -- When 6-year-old Toby Mushnik knocked his 13-year-old sister's earring into the toilet last Sunday evening, he knew he had to make a decision, the area boy told reporters yesterday. "I really, really hate germs, and my mom says that toilet water gives you H1N1 and then you die, but I really, really, really hate Indian burns, and my sister is super good at them," said Mushnik, who was wearing the earring when he went into the bathroom.

He had gotten his ears pierced last year—a birthday present from his Uncle Brody, who admits he was "totally [expletive] up" at the time.

After finishing his business at the toilet, young Mushnik reached over the put the toilet seat down, when inexplicably, and to the boy's horror, the earring came loose and fell into the toilet bowl.

Luckily, he had brought his box of 64-count pack of Crayola Crayons into the bathroom with him. He selected his least-favorite colors—"Asparagus," "Fuzzy Wuzzy," "Cerulean" and "Plum"—from the pack and, using dental floss from the medicine cabinet, linked the crayons together to form a makeshift rope. Holding both ends of the rope, he then lowered it into the toilet and manuevered until he succeeded in hooking the yellow plastic loop and lifting it out of the water.

"It took me a bazillion gazillion tries, but I didn't give up," Mushnik said, beaming with pride and self-satisfaction. When asked why he didn't simply reach his hand in to fish the earring out, he replied emphatically: "Gross!" and refused to answer any further questions.

His sister could not be reached for comment, as she was quite ill with what some sources are calling "a particularly nasty case of H1N1."

Notes from a Potential Consumer

For every time that Natalie Portman's voice interrupts my Pandora session to scream at Ashton Kutcher "Why can't we just have sex?!" I am approximately 12% less likely to go see No Strings Attached. Right now, that puts me at about a -348% chance of seeing the film.

On Experimental Music

Get back to me when you've got actual results.

Choose Your Own Professional Wrestling Name!

1. The Big Grapple
2. Cinder Hella
3. The Iron Fist
4. Bitch Slap
5. The REALLY Mad Hatter
6. Thunder Magic
7. The Rage Cage
8. Steak Face
9. Punchius Pilot
10. The Deadliest Snatch

Aside from naming it,

I think the second best part about forming a band would be categorizing it.

Like "pre-funk folk pop-core" (because post-everything has already been done). Or "melancholy disco beat punk."

Like Talking to a Brick Wall

Sometimes when I pray, it makes me angry that I don't believe in God.